Nerd cars.

I'm going to kick things off by making with the analogies: being a nerd is like lighting a clove cigarette. It smells bad, ruins perfectly nice social gatherings, and it's all-pervasive. No one says, "is that a clove cigarette? It sort of seems like it, but I can't really tell." Believe me, you can tell. It leaves its mark on everything.

So even if nerds didn't want to drive nerd cars, they would anyway, because they could hardly hide their nerdy tendencies in every single aspect of their lives. That's the thing about nerds: they do nerdy shit. They watch nerdy TV shows, read nerdy books, sleep in nerdy beds, and even eat nerdy foods (see: Pocky).

So you know what? Fine. Rock on with your sad, empty nerd life, and all the horrors that entails. But this is America, and America drives cars. Cars:

1. are full of steel and aluminum and lead and acid and oil and dust and dirt and flammable fuel.
2. require maintenance and responsibility.
3. are physical objects occupying the physical universe and have consequences.

So as you can see, they are antithetical to everything Nerd (one possible exception is the Car Nerd, who is under the most cruel of delusions which leads him to believe that he is somehow not as defective as other nerds). However, they are left with a problem: if I am secretly terrified of cars, how am I going to get to the movies fast to be first in line to see the next worthless science fiction blockbuster?

The answer to this dilemma has been thoughtfully provided by automakers, at the expense of an orderly, civilized world. It's a trade-off, really. The fact that the Scion, Element, and Civic exist is, to the eyes, a holocaust. However, it provides the rest of us with a necessary warning that the owner/occupant is a dork. These cars are ugly, but there you go. Nerds have terrible taste. It's as if all pickpockets wore a T-shirt with a full-color image of the Goatse guy on it - nice warning, sure, but good god.

There's no accident that most of these vehicles are made by Japanese manufacturers. Nerds, as you know, have an inexplicable obsession with Japanese people and things, made more inexplicable by the fact that very nearly the exact same people and things exist right next to them, but are somehow less worth their miraculous obsessive power because they don't have any tsu's or shi's in their names.

So get with the program, nerdcakes. This country needs help. You need help. Help yourself and buy yourself a goddamn General Motors product that looks normal so you can hide your demented nerd lifestyle.